after the infirmary

[heartbeneathastone]

Marius is attempting to resist the overwhelming impulse to cling to Cosette's skirts like a little boy in this strange place. But he's not a little boy, Cosette has her father to think of-- and apparently, they are not the only people here that he knows.

So Marius is exploring. Though he hasn't gotten very far, because he makes his way down each corridor very slowly, as if afraid the ground will give way beneath his feet at any moment; rounds each corner with as much caution as if he expects some monstrosity to appear at every turn.

Comments

[le_centre]

He listens, his hand on his friend's shoulder. Tears do not diminish him. In fact, they are good to see because they mean genuine contrition. Still, Courfeyrac thinks properly before answering.

'You cannot blame yourself for lies told to you in your youth. If you had no reason to suspect otherwise, and no means to investigate yourself, then that is not your fault. We are all fools when we are young.'

Some never grow out of it, but he does not believe this will be the case with Marius.

'Do you condemn yourself for not looking further into this? There is a difference between a grandfather telling a boy lies, and a conversation between men, where one admits he has done wrong. And then you said there was proof of the matter - and then further, the evidence of all our eyes at the barricade, when it seemed he had killed a man.'

Courfeyrac will not call that murder. The spy was judged by a people's court, and he knows Enjolras would have faced any consequences of it, should there have been any.

'You must not forget that you were gravely injured during the fighting, and you are recently married. It is not as though you have not had life to deal with. And let us be honest! There is a stigma against convicts that few are immune to, and would any of us set ourselves above it?'

He leans forward a little, squeezing his grip to add meaning to his words.

'Make your apologies. Reconcile your family. They love you and you them; all will be forgiven. And remember how this feels, so that the same might not happen again.'

[heartbeneathastone]

Marius puts his hand on top of Courfeyrac's, though he does not look at him.

"I can scarcely think I deserve such forgiveness. I could not forgive my grandfather, not for years. I have done no less than he did."

[le_centre]

'Ah, my friend.'

His smile is amused, but kind.

'I am afraid you do not get to decide if you are forgiven or not. If you are, then you are - and if you do not accept it, it is disingenuous. The matter of forgiving yourself is for your own conscience, but I hope you will remember to treat yourself with fairness.'

He does not hold out a great deal of hope in that regard, because he knows well how Marius tends to sink into himself. But he is married now, and can see friends here, so perhaps there is a chance.

[heartbeneathastone]

Marius scrubs his hands over his face. He is being entirely fair, as far as he can see: he has done something he could scarcely forgive in another, so why should he readily forgive himself?

"But it is for me to decide if I dare ask for it, is it not?"

[le_centre]

If he voiced that, Courfeyrac would say it might be a good place to start. Judgements are rarely helpful in anyone, but everyone is guilty of them.

He considers the question instead.

'Yes,' he says, at last.

'Of course. So long as you realise that even if you dare not ask for it, it may be granted anyway. There is nothing you can do to stop that. Your wife, for example - surely you will not think so little of her to imagine she might hold it against you forever?'

A cursory glance in the direction of Hugo's work would tell anyone that Valjean will not only forgive, but not consider asking for it necessary or even desirable. No, the problem will be with Marius himself.

'Consider this. That you do not ask, and berate yourself endlessly - something which may be taken as self-pity, I warn you - and in doing so, make the lives of those around you gloomy and dull. How would that be any better? I do not say act as though it is nothing, but perhaps - well, an honest conversation where you voice these fears may help. And if you cannot forgive yourself at once, then let it be known that you will at least try. That you will make some reparation, and allow time to pass and do what it does best. Wallowing in self-flagellation will not help anyone, and may hinder.'

[heartbeneathastone]

After a long, silent moment of consideration, Marius nods.

"Yes," he says slowly. "I suppose you are right."

(When has he ever asked someone's advice on this kind of problem? When has he ever had the chance? It's startlingly-- helpful, to have a clear opinion from outside cut through the mire of his own thoughts.)

[le_centre]

'Of course I am! How could you doubt it?'

He laughs loudly, and the clasp on Marius's shoulder turns into a friendly push.

'If it doesn't work, then we may consider other options. There are always other options, even if you do not expect them.'

Unless you are on a barricade in Paris, perhaps. But that was a chosen option - and Marius survived, against all the odds. The rest ended up here! Life, and death, are strange and wonderful things.

[heartbeneathastone]

Marius is leaning firmly towards the strange side of that perspective, particularly today.

"You have always been so kind to me, in ways I cannot hope to repay."

[le_centre]

No one could blame him.

'There is no need to repay me, Marius. That is what friends are for.'

His life would be easier if he understood that. But never mind, there is all the time in the world to show him.

[heartbeneathastone]

Marius does not protest, though he looks politely unconvinced.

"I should go to her," he says at last. A slight hesitation, then he adds, "But you-- you will still-- be here?"

Whether he means here, in this room or here, present, alive is up for debate.

[le_centre]

'Indeed you should! Now is not the time to be leaving her for long.'

Courfeyrac is aware that ladies frown on such things.

'And yes. I will be here - this room, or with any of the others, or downstairs, or outside. You can find me here any time, and I hope you do.'

All completely genuine. Courfeyrac has missed Marius, odd young man as he is.

'And you will remember all I've said?'

[heartbeneathastone]

"I will."

Marius missed Courfeyrac, too, though at present he cannot shake the feeling that he has barged in and imposed himself, once again, on Courfeyrac's kindness.

"I will come, and I will remember."